Red Bull are a fun company, and since coming to Formula One they have injected more than their fair share of fun back into a sport that had become very stodgy. Before every race Formula One teams issue very corporate politically correct press releases, usually saying the very same things race after race, depending on where the team sits in the current F1 pecking order.
For those up the of the grid it’s pretty much always how we are looking forward to fighting our nearest rivals for the win, while for those in the midfield it’s usually how they are working harder than anyone to bridge the gap to the front running teams, and for those at the back of the field it usually tells the story of how the team will be a mid field team soon.
Red Bull have broken that tradition by putting some fun back into their press releases. After a recent Grand Prix a Toro Rosso press release simply stated that they had no comment, and in the lead up to this weekends Turkish Grand Prix Toro Rosso have released yet another gem, entitled “Understanding Press Releases”
You’ve had two weekends without a grand prix so here is a handy Red Bull Dictionary to remind you what all those Press Release quotes really mean: a useful Red Bullshitometer to keep with you throughout the race weekend. And don’t blame the press officers, because you have to remember that the Press Release is the only thing they produce that their team bosses and you, the media, actually recognise as work! So, without even pausing to optimise our issues, please read on:
“We have no plans to change any of our drivers in the near future.”
Means: “We plan to change one of our drivers on Monday after the race.”
“The car retired with an electrical failure.”
Means: “The engine seized, threw a piston and con rod through the side of the block where it cut through the electrical wiring loom, causing an electrical failure.”*
*If you run a customer engine, under no circumstances can you have an engine failure.
“We do not know what fuel loads the other teams were running in qualifying.”
Means: “We are in deep trouble because we are slower than the others, but actually it’s worse than that because we are much, much slower than them, as they have enough fuel to run ten laps more than us at the start of the race.”
“But the car has very good pace in race trim, so we should be okay for the race.”
Means: “Our car is just plain slow, but if we are stuck in the middle of the pack with no chance of overtaking, we can claim we had a competitive car and no one will know we are lying.”
“We knew our car would struggle on this type of circuit.”
Means: “Our car would struggle on any type of circuit made up of a tarmac road surface laid out with straights and corners.”
“I have a very good relationship with my team-mate.”
Means: “I am comfortably quicker than my teammate”
“I have a good working relationship with my team-mate.”
Means: “I hate my team-mate. I call him my ‘team-hate.’ He can’t even remember the names of his mechanics, he does hardly any testing, and yet he just turns up and drives the car and is quicker than me. He also has a much prettier girlfriend.”
“A difficult first day of practice which saw us struggle to find the right balance on the car. We still need to complete our tyre comparison programme.”
Means: “The car is a complete pig and the only balance I’m ever likely to find is the one in my bank account. As for the tyre choice, we’ll toss a coin in the hotel bar tonight to decide which one to use
“Next year, we should be able to challenge for race wins on a regular basis.”
Means: “We said exactly the same thing last year, but hope no one will notice that we are repeating ourselves.”
Of course, none of these comments refer to Red Bull Racing or Toro Rosso press releases, which are always honest, decent and truthful.
Pretty funny stuff, especially in an official press release from a Formula One Team. Now, if only some of the other teams would take their press communications a little less seriously than they do, then world would be a better place!